Sunday, June 9, 2013

I'm Not a Failure

Good Morning!

  Well, if you follow me on FB, Twitter or IG, you already know... I didn't get my sub 30 5k that I've been training so hard for. Since I've started running, I have never been more disappointed or mad at myself.
 This was a small race, maybe 100 people. Jeremy and I get there at 7:30 to pick up my packet. I'm as excited as can be, I have NO doubt in my head that I will run this race in under 30 minutes. I've been doing speed work and trying so hard. My average times on my own, have been around 30-31 minutes, (with one even being 27) so I just know being in a race, running with other people, that will push me and I can easily do it. I am 100% confident.
Ready to run!

Here we go!

I felt really good the whole race, I probably walked 3-4 times for a few seconds. (Which I regret) I don't normally need to walk, but I thought I was sprinting, and felt like I HAD to walk. There were a few small hills, but I have been training on small hills, so it was nothing new. 
 I wore my Garmin, but didn't look at it one time. Maybe I should've and that would've pushed me. But I thought it would mess with my head, and I just wanted to give it my all and be surprised at the end.
 I get close to the finish line and look at the clock and I see 30. I'm not sure what kind of picture the photographer got of me, I know I had raised my fists and was so angry!
 I cross the line at 30:28. SO CLOSE!!!

After crossing that line, the old Katie came back. FAILURE! You told everyone you were going to do it, and you FAILED. You're a joke! Why are you still running? Now everyone will laugh at you! You fail at everything! Of course I started to remember past 'failings'. My first marriage, unable to have children, my struggle with weight, and the list goes on...

I'm not going to lie, I wallowed in all of that for awhile. I listened to it, I started believing it, I felt defeated. 
 Funny how I can run a marathon, but yet a little 5k will make me doubt myself as a runner. 

Then they started giving out awards. And then I heard my name. They called my name! I have never even thought about winning an award, because that's impossible! (Oh, I have so much to learn!)
 I got runner up for my age group. 
I felt like this was God's way of saying "I'll show you you're not a failure!" 
Honestly, I felt that way for awhile though. I thought about how embarrassing it will be to come back here and tell everyone I didn't make it! But I'm sure there's a lesson I'm supposed to learn in all of this. (Maybe not to be so vocal about my goals? Haha) When I figure it out, I'll let you know...
 When I posted about this on FB and IG, the support was unbelievable. I am so blessed to have all of you. You have no idea how much your words lifted me. 

  Here's some things I did learn. I'm only a failure if I throw in the towel and give up. I will never ever do that. I'm only a failure if I stay down, if I listen to my old self saying I should just stop running. We have to keep going, keep running towards our dreams. That's the only thing that keeps us motivated and moving forward! 
 I may have experienced failure, but that's not who I am. It's okay to be disappointed in yourself, but let that just push you further and try harder. Which is exactly what I'm going to do. 
 And when I do get that sub 30 5k, it will be that much sweeter!


katie

48 comments:

  1. Dear Katie, you are not a failure. I know that. See how far you have come, right?

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  2. So you didn't hit your target........that just means it'll be just a little sweeter next time out when you do! And you still got an award.......no, you are decidedly NOT a failure. You showed up, toed the line, and gave it your best......sounds pretty successful to me, Katie!

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  3. Katie, you are fantastic and amazing and you WILL sub 30 and it will feel so awesome to have worked so hard for it. This was just part of your journey and WOOT on the award!!

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    1. Thank you, Karen! I agree, it was all part of the journey!

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  4. I so know the frustration of working so hard towards a target time and missing it - it just happened to me in my half. You are not a failure - as Bill said you showed up and gave it your all! You'll get that sub-30 yet!

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    1. Thanks, Michelle! I'm sorry it happened to you too.

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  5. Congrats on second place Katie, that's a huge accomplishment! Sub-30 was real close but just wasn't meant to be yet...and time is not the measure of a runner. Dedication and determination are, and you have that in spades. We runners are funny...I was in your boat just a couple of months ago as I was trying to break a 1:30 Half Marathon...I thought I had it, but I didn't calculate my target pace quite right and ended up at 1:30:16...FAILURE!!! Until I realized I just ran a freaking 1:30:16 HM! Guess what girl? You just ran a FREAKING 30:28!!!
    Never be afraid to put your goals out there...it only makes it sweeter when we can celebrate together :)

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    1. Thank you, Mike. Wow, you ran a 1:30 Half?! That's incredible!! I agree, we need to look at the big picture!

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  6. I love the honesty of this post. The Devil is a sneaky bastard, and he will take any opportunity to bring down those who are magical. You are an inspiration for many people and are doing so well-- of course he'll go after you when he gets the chance! But, listen to your heart and to God-- YOU ARE A SUCCESS!!

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  7. I absolutely LOVE LOVE LOVE this post Katie! I just want to give you a ginormous hug!!! You are NOT a failure. And I totally agree with Mike, NEVER be afraid to put your goals out there. Congrats on your second place finish!! That's AWESOME. A 5km is a tough distance to race, especially after coming off a marathon...they are two very different animals. I think you did amazing and I have no doubt that you will get that sub 30.

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    1. Thank you so much, sweet friend!! I can feel your hug from here. :)

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  8. Oh well done you, what a fantastic achievement :-)

    "I'm only a failure if I throw in the towel and give up." ..... thats going to be a reminder for me xx

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    1. Thank you! Definitely something I need to remember too! xoxo

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  9. You already know how much I love and support you! :) You might have failed at reaching a sub-30 5K this time, but you succeeded in so many other ways! There will be more 5K's for you to SMASH through that 30:00 minute mark! Your hard work WILL pay off! God will help you reach your goals! I know this for a fact!

    You're my favorite!

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    1. Yes, there will be, and I can't wait to do it!! Thank you sister! Love you much!

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  10. YOU ARE AMAZING! Your hard work is paying off, you are improving and that sub 30 will be yours very soon!! xoxo

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    1. Thanks sweet girl! Soon and very soon! xoxo

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  11. That which does not kill us only makes us stronger, right?! You will get your sub-30 time soon enough and it will be oh-so-sweet!! Congrats on your AG award -- that is so awesome!

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  12. You've never mentioned this but I am thinking that you DO have a new 5K PR????

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    1. Ya know, I had to go back and look and YES!! By 20 seconds! At least it's something. Thanks for reminding me of that! :)

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  13. Girl.. you are so not a failure!! I'm with Lorenda.. you set a new PR girl! Plus, who says you HAVE to have a sub 30 5k? No one ever says you have to be fast. You did it... your body is strong and beautiful. See you tomorrow??

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    1. Thank you, Brittany! Can't wait to spin with you next week!!

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  14. Congrats on placing 2nd! You are not a failure. I think it's extremely inspiring that you ran a marathon :)

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  15. I think you did awesome. FYI - In this summer weather I am almost a minute a mile slower, no matter how hard I push, due to the heat. I am sure you'll get it this fall if not sooner.

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    1. Thanks Abby! I didn't realize how much the heat would effect me. This is my first time really running in this weather. Hopefully I can get acclimated to it!

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  16. Congrats on your race!! You did an awesome job and should be super proud:)

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  17. Ya, you gotta get away from that self pity stuff. Throw down a beer after the race and sign up for another to try again. Edison failed like a 1,000 times at the light bulb. Well, hopefully you won't need to run a 1,000 races to hit a PR... the message, its a journey and everytime we fail its gives us a lesson on how to do it better the next time. You did great! Keep it up.

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    1. Haha! I love the way you think! Thank you, Christine!!

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  18. You are sooo not a failure girl! You ran a 5K in 30 minutes!!! So many people would love to be able to accomplish that! Congrats on the placing! God really has a sense of humor sometimes!!! :-)

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  19. Congrats on your award. That is so awesome. I've never placed in any running event, so I'm super jealous. And don't forget how cute you looked while running. Two of many ways in which you're not a failure. :) Sometimes our minds really get the best of us, don't they? Great job on an awesome race - even if you didn't make your goal.

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    1. Thank you, Clarinda! You always make me feel better! :)

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  20. I know it's really hard to not get that time you want but God is using you for something far greater than a sub 30 5k. You are an inspiration to so many people, Katie, both IRL and online. I'm so glad that you came back and wrote this post because you are NOT a failure in any sense of the word. {{BIG}} hugs to you, my dear.

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  21. definitely not a failure! You got out and tried, that makes you a success right there! The beauty about running and racing is you can try again, and that is half the fun! You'll get it next time, take what you learned and have fun getting ready to kill it next time! But remember your NOT A Failure!!! Your Awesome!!!

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  22. Congrats on your AG award! You will get that sub 30 5K! You were so dang close!!! LOL, I hear you on not sharing goals though. That is why I tend not to. I start to care about what other people think if I achieve them... when really, I should only care what I think!

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  23. You are absolutely NOT a failure, and I'm so glad you know that!

    I didn't realize you also had a first marriage. I've been married once as well, and that didn't work out so great. Well... it actually did, because I have an amazing boyfriend now! :)

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