Monday, June 2, 2014

The post that I'll never publish

Why will I never publish this post? Because I want everyone to think I have it all together and that I'm as happy as a clam in butter sauce. Everyone says I'm inspirational and positive. I don't want you to see this side of me.

 So who is the real Katie? She is sad. She so desperately longs for a baby, but she knew when she married her husband he didn't share that desire. Now it has overtaken her. It's all she thinks about. It has consumed every thought. Every day that passes is one day closer to her body changing and never allowing her the ability to even become pregnant.

I can hardly bear the thought of never being a mommy. Never knowing that love, that joy. Never seeing a positive pregnancy test, never feeling the baby move inside of me, never hearing its first cry, never being someones everything. That is too much for me to bear.

 I'm beginning to hate. I'm becoming bitter. It's so unfair.

For this reason, I am torn. What do I do. Do I lay it all down, surrender all, let it go, and just stay. Try to find joy in other things. Try to tell myself a baby isn't everything. I don't need one. That it's something I never need to experience.
 Or do I chase my dreams and desires. Is having a baby worth what I'll be giving up.

I'm not looking for answers, I'm just having a moment of feeling like I want to be completely real and take off my mask. I've been going through this for 9 months. This has been the hardest time of my life. Just when I think there couldn't possibly be more tears to cry, I discover there are.

But I know this too shall pass. Life is like a marathon. You feel like you're past the breaking point, and you can't run one more step. But you do. You keep on going. And then you make it.
 I read somewhere that life's obstacles can either block your path, or they can be stepping stones to our success. I choose to make this a stepping stone.

And now this has become a post I will publish.

The happy and inspirational Katie will be back tomorrow.
Now I'm going for a run.

katie

31 comments:

  1. The real Katie is important. Dont ever forgey that.

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  2. Oh friend... we are sisters in spirit. I went through this exact same thing. I married a man with 3 kids & didn't want any more children. I thought I was fine with that... & then it hit me & I was obsessed with it, wanting to be a mom. It became an issue, caused problems that no one has any idea over. In the end, I am now 42 & never had children of my own... only step children... I know that longing you feel. I know the struggle that comes with wanting the man to understand. It's just not the same longing. I want to tell you to do what YOU need to do to be happy.... but I think you can find happiness in whatever happens. If you ever want to 'talk' vent or just have someone listen, message me... I get what you're going through. Sending you hugs. This is tough. I'm glad you posted & shared.

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    1. Wow, yes we are. My husband had 2 kids. I thought that was plenty, and I don't need anymore. But then eventually reality sets in, and it begins to change! Thank you Rebecca. Hugs to you my friend.

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  3. You're brave to have posted this Katie! I am so proud for your courage! Hugs from me to you!

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  4. You are amazing and I am a big fan of yours. I'll send some good vibes your way. :)

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  5. Sending lots of love <3

    I got to know that I might never be able to have kids year ago (I'm 24), I wasn't planning to have kids at the moment but it crushed me anyway. Life is life, it's what it's we can just keep going, keep our heads up and never give up, no matter what! There are lots of kids waiting to find parents, I'm gonna be one of them.

    Hanna

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    1. I'm so sorry Hanna. I think adoption is so wonderful though. I went through the adoption process for 2 years, waiting for a little girl from India. It all fell apart, and never happened. But I still think it's amazing. Good for you girl!

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  6. Katie, you are just as brave and inspirational for posting this as you are in all your other posts, and really more so! Please know that I'm sending lots of hugs and prayers your way!!

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    1. Thank you Jen. That means so much to me. Hugs!

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  7. I love you! We really need to get together again soon. Please know I understand those feelings and I pray for you sweet friend!

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    1. I love you girl. I know you do! Yes, we do. Soon!!

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  8. This is such a hard thing... I cannot imagine what you're going through, but I thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings. I think it's important to reach out and show people the real Katie. Each and every single person in this world has so many sides, and it's scary to put some of our sides out there, but I'm glad that you are brave enough to do so. You are a woman. You have feelings. And you are incredibly loved! I want nothing more for you than to have a child of your own. Not having a child is a void that can never be filled with something or someone else. God wanted us to come to this earth to multiply and replenish it. So your longing for a child is a spiritual longing. And children are absolutely worth giving up everything else for. I would give my own life for my children, if necessary. Though I always pray that God would bless me to be here to raise them! After I had Caitlin, my firstborn, I immediately felt like we needed to start trying again for another child. Those feelings consumed me. It was all I thought about, all day and night long. I kept those feelings to myself. But after a month, I couldn't keep it in anymore and told my husband. He said that he was feeling the same thing and didn't know how to approach me since our daughter was only 5 weeks old. So I know that God wanted us to start trying. We waited until I was medically okay, then started trying. Rosie was born when Caity was just over 13 months old. I KNOW that God was prompting me to have another child. I could not deny it, even though I wanted to. I thought I was crazy. But when those feelings come, I listen. I was prompted before we got pregnant with Vivian. And after she was born, those feelings went away for almost two years. And when they came back, it hit me like a ton of bricks. I knew immediately that it was time again. And it was in God's time. Not mine. If you are feeling the promptings to have a baby, I firmly believe it's because it is what God wants for you. I have felt prompted before, and then lost those babies. That was hard, but the lessons I learned from it made me appreciate everything I have today. Every trial we go through on this earth will bring us closer to God.

    All you can do is pray. God will direct you in the way that you should go. Trust in Him. He loves you.

    I love you.

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    1. Thank you for sharing that, my sweet friend. I love how you knew each time when it was 'time' again.
      I am doing lots of praying. Love you so much.

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  9. You are such an amazing person, my heart goes out to you and your decisions and longings you are thinking about right now. If you are a praying person, I say make any decision with a lot of prayer first. I don't know your situation but I have a sister who was in a similar one so I can understand a little.
    Life is tough if it were easy, it wouldn't be worth it. Whether you decide to have a baby, or shoot for your dreams. Your an amazing person so I'm sure whatever decision you choose will be the right one! (hope your husband reads this post you wrote today.)

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    1. Thank you so much Kristy. I am definitely doing a lot of praying. xoxo

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  10. Trust in the Lord, and he will provide the answers that you are longing for. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you for always encouraging me Michelle. xoxo

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  11. Katie I admire your transperancy. My heart breaks for you. Being a mom has been the greatest blessing I could ever ask for. I can't imagine if my husband didn't feel the same way. I pray you find answers and I will pray for like mindness for you and hubs. Love to you

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    1. Thank you Tanya. I really appreciate the prayers. xoxo

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  12. I'm struggling with words and yet feel so compelled to say something. You don't know me at all .. haha. So in reality I have no basis to really say anything at all. Alas, I read your post and my heart just ached for you. This is going to sound terrible but I can say without question that I would choose my children over my husband any moment. I love my husband, don't get me wrong. But children .. oh they're so different. It's a whole different level and for anyone that WANTS that should without question be able to experience it. About 10 years ago I was single, I had 1 daughter (her father passed away) and I knew I wanted another child. Ironically enough I met my husband right around that time and we went on to have 3 more kids together. I but I can say with absolute certainty that had I not met my husband I would have had another baby on my own. Do I think that you will make peace with not having a baby .. maybe you can. But do I think you will live to regret it always .. probably. And unfortunately one day it could be your husband that you blame for taking that away from you. I hope I don't sound rude. I truly don't mean to. But if you want a baby and it sure sounds like you do .. then I hope that you find a way to have a baby. :o) Good luck. I really enjoy your blog. You are so brave for throwing this out there. From the comments above it sure sounds like you've got a lot of great friends!

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    1. Thank you so much. I definitely want to know your thoughts, whether I know you personally or not! I actually agree with everything you said. Everything. I've heard that nothing at all compares to having your own baby. Thank you for your comment. :)

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  13. You are so brave to share this part of yourself... that in itself is an inspiration! You have such a wonderful community of supporters who have your back, whether we know eachother in real life or not. *HUGS*

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  14. Oh, Katie...I know I don't have the right words...I know this has to be such an impossible situation that you are dealing with, and I am truly sorry. Praying that you will find the right answers. Hugs to you!

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    1. Thank you so much Jackie. It does feel impossible. I'm just praying for wisdom. Thank you for your kind words. Hugs.

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