So who is the real Katie? She is sad. She so desperately longs for a baby, but she knew when she married her husband he didn't share that desire. Now it has overtaken her. It's all she thinks about. It has consumed every thought. Every day that passes is one day closer to her body changing and never allowing her the ability to even become pregnant.
I can hardly bear the thought of never being a mommy. Never knowing that love, that joy. Never seeing a positive pregnancy test, never feeling the baby move inside of me, never hearing its first cry, never being someones everything. That is too much for me to bear.
I'm beginning to hate. I'm becoming bitter. It's so unfair.
For this reason, I am torn. What do I do. Do I lay it all down, surrender all, let it go, and just stay. Try to find joy in other things. Try to tell myself a baby isn't everything. I don't need one. That it's something I never need to experience.
Or do I chase my dreams and desires. Is having a baby worth what I'll be giving up.
I'm not looking for answers, I'm just having a moment of feeling like I want to be completely real and take off my mask. I've been going through this for 9 months. This has been the hardest time of my life. Just when I think there couldn't possibly be more tears to cry, I discover there are.
But I know this too shall pass. Life is like a marathon. You feel like you're past the breaking point, and you can't run one more step. But you do. You keep on going. And then you make it.
I read somewhere that life's obstacles can either block your path, or they can be stepping stones to our success. I choose to make this a stepping stone.
And now this has become a post I will publish.
The happy and inspirational Katie will be back tomorrow.
Now I'm going for a run.