Follow my journey from being overweight and addicted to ice cream, to running marathon's!

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Back at the beginning. Again.

I haven't put this out there before because I guess I've been in denial.
I'm not in denial anymore.
I have gained back all but 5 lbs of the weight I lost last year.

This was me, exactly one year ago at the Chicago marathon.


I had lost 30 lbs., and for the first time in many years, I felt SO good. I was confidant, all of my clothes fit, I could even see a hint of abs, that used to be covered in fat. My running was going great, I felt light and my pace was getting quicker.
 I was constantly telling myself  "do NOT gain the weight back. Keep going, you're doing so good, only 20 more lbs.", etc.
The compliments were very nice too. It's nice to always hear "you're getting so skinny, everytime I see you, you've lost more weight", and so on.

Now I'm back to where I started. How?
Well, life as I knew it came crashing down- of my own doing. My husband and I started marriage counseling at the beginning of the year, we went through a lot of things with my stepson, life just became pretty dang miserable. So ever since January, I've just put on a couple pounds a month, until now, I've gained it all back.

I'm not going to post a pic of what I really look like now, because it's just embarrassing.  It's been easy to hide the weight gain in pics by just covering up or even the angle of the camera. But I know the truth.

So, here we go again! I hate the term "getting back on the wagon", because I'm not doing that. I'm just getting back to eating healthy and small portions and WAY less ice cream.

Now instead of 20 lbs left, I once again have 50. But I've done it before, so I know I can do it. I will do it.
My life may still be in shambles, I'm still drowning in a sea of uncertainty, and see no land in sight.
 But this I can control. This I can do.

I feel like I should apologize for letting anyone down. I know in a way, I feel let down when I was so encouraged by someone's weight loss, only to find out they gained it all back.

We all have our own struggles, don't we?

I'm going to update weekly on my weight loss, I need that accountability. So if you're just going to roll your eyes, you might not want to read that day. :)

Now I'm off to run 10 miles...


Have you ever had to start over?





katie
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41 comments

  1. You didn't let anyone down! You are a real person with real life and struggles it happens! Try to look st all the amazing things you have accomplished recently ! Races, volunteering etc! I am sorry you are going through a tough time but you will get thru :)

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    1. Thank you Katie. Your encouragement means so much! ♥

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  2. I'm starting over again right now too after gaining back 60 lbs... its so frustrating... but at least you can start again instead of letting it take over.

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    1. Ok, we're starting over again! Let's do this together!!

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  3. You didn't let anyone down! Life happens, plain and simple. Life can change in an instant. We all know that. You can have an general idea of how you want your life to be, and then fate steps in and changing things. I look at it as a redirection. God's redirection. And sometimes those can bring us great joy... but also great sorrow. With that sorrow, it's easy to slip back into old habits and ways. And thus, weight gain. Our trials bring us closer to God.

    You are a human. Weight gains and losses are going to happen. It is comforting to know that you are a real person and not a robot! I am proud of those people who can maintain their weight loss through all things, but I know that I am not one of those people. And that's okay! I'm only human!

    Since having Adeline, I haven't lost any weight since the initial loss after her birth. Nothing fits me. I am totally insecure in my clothes and I hate going out in public. Granted, I know that my body did a wonderful thing, and I thank God for that miracle and blessing... But it's still hard on me after having lost 70+ pounds before I got pregnant with her. I've gotten so down on myself that I don't even enjoy working out anymore. I would rather just sit on my couch and eat junk food while thinking about working out... but just continue to sit there and feel sorry for myself. It's a vicious cycle.

    Well... NO MORE!

    If you want an accountability buddy, I am your girl! I need to get healthier and start making better choices, too! I cried while reading this post because I can relate. I want to change... I just need some positive encouragement! So I will encourage you! You can do anything you set your mind to!

    I am so proud of you! I know it's not easy to admit that you've gained weight, but you have. And you are STILL loved! You haven't let anyone down! Chin up and come what may! You can do this! We can do this together! The hard times are still going to come, but so are the good times! You are not alone! I love you!

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    1. Oh Carie, I just love you!! I hate that you've gotten down about your weight too. I do need an accountability buddy. Let's do this, we can help and encourage each other. Losing 70 lbs is crazy awesome, there is no doubt you can get back to it. Let's go!! xoxo

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  4. You didn't let anyone down. Life happens and the fact that you are going to go run 10 miles is amazing!!! You know what to do and now you just have to bring the healthy back...I'm sure all of your readers will be happy to support and encourage you in anyway possible!!

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    1. Thank you so much Leslie. You're right, I know exactly what to do, and I'm going to do it! :)

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  5. You should not be so hard on yourself~! You are beautiful inside and out. Im here for you every step of the way:) HEY and you still have time to train for that Key West Half marathon lol. Hugs from Texas !

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    1. Girl, you know I want to do that race SOOO bad!! Thank you darlin. xoxo

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  6. Dont think you have let anyone down, especially yourself. Life happens, the best part about it is its something that you can work on again, and great new goals to make:)
    I haven't ever told this to anyone "online" although my family knows it. The real reason I haven't posted pictures of myself on my blog, (or rarely do) I still have another 50-60 pounds I want/need to lose. I've dropped 21 since June, and that was the toughest thing I have ever done. But this next 50 are going to be super hard mostly because I get off track one or two days and it so easily turns into 2 weeks!
    Since you're going to be working on it, and I'm working on it and we both have about the same to loose I say we use each other to motivate:) if ya want:) I need all the motivation I can get on this, weightloss is such a hard thing for me.

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    1. I've wondered why I never see any pics of you! I know what you mean, when I over do it just one day, it's so hard to get back on track! Ok Kristy, let's do this together. Sending you an email...

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  7. Go girl...I started all my tracking yesterday again. My accountability partner set a goal for me for the 20th of Oct...so right now I'm chasing it...5.4lbs weight loss by the 20th...are you with me?!?

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  8. Oh Katie, to resonate what so many others have already said you certainly haven't let anyone down. April 2013 I was down 25 lbs (maybe even closer to 30lbs). I ran my first marathon. And then that summer I spent 1 week in Mexico (drinking margaritas and eating nachos). Then I went on another week long vacation with my family (Disneyland trip) where we ate out for every single meal, every single day. It's funny because now looking back I gauge my weight by looking at race pictures. That October I ran St. George Marathon (my 2nd) and my running skirt was ALMOST too small. Since then I've "tried" to get back on track. I've really struggled to stay committed. I ran my 3rd marathon this past May and REALLY struggled, despite training my tail off. I truly blame a good part of that marathon time on the extra weight. Soooo .. on 9/8 I decided to pull it together, and I joined Weight Watchers again (I'm a lifetime member). But going to meetings is the accountability I need. As of last night I'm 4 weeks in and I'm down 11 lbs. If I can do it, you can do it. One of the biggest things I've noticed is that when I eat balanced and healthy I don't crave the bad stuff nearly as much. Don't get me wrong, I still get cravings. But it's nothing like it is when I'm not paying attention to what I'm eating. You've got this lady! It's not a diet .. it's a LIFESTYLE!! (hear sarcasm, at least a hint of it). haha.

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    1. Congrats on your weight loss Kerry!! That's so exciting. When I used to do WW, going to the meetings made all the difference for me too. Please keep me updated on your progress! We got this!

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  9. if you have let anyone down, i have let everyone down. we've all been there girl, all of us. you havent let anyone down! i gained everything back that i lost and that was almost 2 years ago. i feel like such a failure sometimes!

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    1. Thanks Kristen. It's definitely easy to feel like a failure, but we're not! You look fabulous btw!!! ♥

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  10. I'm in a very similar place. Two years ago I had to give up CrossFit because it cost too much and I was dealing with injuries. I kept running, but not at a workout rate that kept the pounds off. I'm 20 pounds over my lowest weight. That was too thin for my liking, but I could stand to get rid of 15 of what I gained back. Since I'm very short, I look pretty big. I just don't have the drive to go through the effort of the mindful eating all the time and the hard workouts.

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    1. Girl, I think you look great!! But I know we see ourselves differently than everyone else does. We can do this!!

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  11. Life happens and we are all on your side. You didn't let us down!

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  12. I actually just looked back at my blog and since I hit 30 (2.5 years ago) I have gained and lost the same 10 pounds six times. I feel like with this WW time I will actually be able to keep it off.
    Okay, moral of that whole story. It happens to all of us. We are human. You haven't let us down. Getting back at it is inspiring. We all fall down sometimes, it is how we get back up that matters.

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    1. Very good point Abby. You know how frustrating it is! I'm so glad you found something that works for you. Thank you! :)

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  13. Katie, I have always read your posts for motivation and positivity! You have not let anyone down, am sure you will work your way through this phase as well. We all have our good days and bad days. Get back to your routine and get going! All the Best!! Cheers and lots of strength and luv to you!

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  14. I totally understand where you're coming from! Since January, I've gained back all but about 15 pounds of the 40+ I worked so hard to lose. I really don't have a good excuse...relationship stress, busy calendar, I love food...It makes me so sad to look in the mirror and see the weight I've gained back. But, we've lost it before and we can do it again! One day at a time. :)

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    1. It is discouraging, especially knowing how hard we worked to get it off in the first place! You're right, we can do this girl!!

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  15. I just came across your blog by a link on another blog. Read your post and can so relate! I have been up and down my whole life but over the last eight years I got really up there. I had a lap band procedure and decided this was my time! I've lost 118 pounds in the last 10 months. I've started running (how I came across your blog) and am up to 4 miles. I'm loving it and I have the Kentucky Derby Mini Marathon in my sights.
    But, regarding letting people down, I know how you feel. There is so much pressure to maintain not just from myself but those around me. In the hospital where I work, there have been many coworkers who haven't been successful with the band. I feel like everyone is just waiting for me to return to fatness.
    This is where I try to stop the negative thoughts. I realize that life is what it is. I can only hope that if I gain back some weight that I get back on track before all 118 pounds are back. You're human and for the majority of people who struggle with weight, it will always be a struggle.
    Now, please inspire me to keep running! I need lots of tips. I'll be checking back regularly! ;)

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    1. Thanks for stopping by Leigh! Congrats on your weight loss! That is awesome.
      My weight is definitely something I've struggled with my whole life too, and I probably always will. I'm so excited you started running! I'm hoping to do the Mini next year too. One thing that keeps me running is always having a race in the future. That way I always have something to look forward to, so I have no excuses!

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  16. Katie, I am going through the same thing. I lost about 12 pounds this summer (after gaining a lot..30 pounds need to go... following a running injury), and I was so excited! But then life got in the way, and I have to get motivated because I'm right where I started from.
    I know how hard us women are on ourselves, so hang in there. I'll be with you eating smaller portions, running again, and trying to remember that extra serving is just not worth it.
    Good luck!

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    1. It is discouraging to be back where we started! But it's nice to know we're not going through this alone. Let's do this!!

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  17. I'm new reading over here but I have to say - you never have to apologize to anyone for your weight. Just do what makes you feel the best and healthiest.
    I've never lost a lot of weight but as I've gotten older (45 now) it has gotten harder and harder to maintain the size I feel the best at - one thing that I try to tell myself is that it is about feeling good and being strong not about a number:)
    Hang in there!!!

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    1. Welcome, Kim! I've noticed it's so much harder to maintain and lose now that I'm older too. Hate that! Thank you for the encouragement. :)

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  18. big hugs. you haven't let anyone down, at all. we all have our struggles, and I know food will always be one of mine, too. You will get back to where you want to be and will be happy- i just know it. don't be embarrassed...it's life and we all understand. xo

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    1. Thanks Elizabeth. I know I'll get back there again! xoxo

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  19. You are not letting anyone down. This life is for YOU and only YOU. Don't let anyone tell you any different. We all go through things in life that work against us at one point or another. You have the determination and drive to change your life. You are a great person, please don't let this get you down. You've been also dealing with an injury that was forcing you to be less active than normal. Now that you are moving again, it will happen. Chin up my friend!

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  20. You are an inspiration. Most people would be lying if they say they hadn't been there. Truthfully almost ALL of us who have lost weight have been in a position where we gained some to all of it back. You're doing the best thing you can - being honest with yourself, picking yourself back up and restarting. YOU are strong, beautiful and capable of winning the fight!! Keep pressing on!!!

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  21. This resonated with me. I had lost weight and now I've gained about 10 pounds since last year. It's upsetting. Weight is in my stomach and face and looking at photos sucks. I'm going to try to work hard before the holidays to feel good about my body!

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  22. Hey, Katie! I hope it's going well!!! You're awesome, no matter what. And, seriously, next time you need a little vacay, come to Vegas!!! :-)

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