Wednesday, January 14, 2015

Choosing Joy

I'm sorry you guys, this post has nothing to do with my marathon training or anything like that. It's more personal.
I've alluded some to what I've been going through the past year, how I want a baby, but my husband doesn't. My year was full of mistakes, struggles, depression, and realizing this is a dream that will never happen for me. That thought is still very overwhelming for me and it's a pill I haven't quite swallowed yet. Because of all of that, I gained back the weight I lost (30 lbs), and my running suffered greatly.
 This year I have determined, NO MATTER WHAT- I choose joy. I will die if I have another year like 2014. I will not make it through. So I am choosing to find the good. I am choosing to be thankful. I am choosing to look to God for my strength, because I can no longer do this on my own.

I'm going to share an email from my friend. I don't know if anyone else is going through this too- miscarriages, infertility, any of that. But if so, I hope it encourages you. Hopefully someday, when all of this is a distant memory, I can share my whole story and maybe help someone else get through it.



Katie!!!!!
Girl, how do you do it?
I am so blessed with (daughter) and yet I want another baby so badly. But after my last miscarriage I have not been able to get pregnant. People are constantly asking why we don't have another baby and we must not be trying hard enough!
I broke down and cried. (Husband) doesn’t think it's a big deal because we already have one.
Ahhhhh it's so hard Katie! How do you keep your smile?


My reply:
Oh my darling ****,
You don't see my bitter tears that never end. Every time I see a baby, I cry. When I found out that 3 of my sisters were pregnant, I had a breakdown. I want a baby more than I want breath.
I know your pain. I know how hard it is. I know the crying and the alone feelings, I've gotten all the comments. About a month ago, when Annie was pregnant, someone told ME congratulations, thinking I was her. I always wondered what that would feel like.
I know, doll. You are not alone.
This I also know- God is good. He has good plans for us. If our earthly fathers know how to give their children good gifts, how much MORE does our heavenly Father know.
As we go through this, all we can do is hang onto Him. He is our rock and our strength.
Look to Him, and you will find that he puts that smile on your face, even when your heart is weeping.

AND forget those people who say ridiculous things like that to you. I just want to smack them. They're just clueless. 

I had to throw in that last paragraph...because COME ON! I am just appalled at some comments people make!

For now, I just take a day at a time. I don't know what tomorrow brings, or where I'll be, but for TODAY I choose joy.

katie





31 comments:

  1. Katie, you will lose the weight. You have done it once and you can do it again. You know how I feel about the baby situation. My heart breaks for you and I wish upon wish that your husband would have a change of heart. I wish that so much for you. *hug*

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  2. That's tough! I think it's selfish of him not to see your point. He has kids, but you don't! Sorry if I am being too blunt!

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    1. I must say, I married him knowing he didn't want any, so I don't blame him. I changed my mind, but he never has. Just trying to work through it now. Thanks Iva :)

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  3. It blows my mind how people think it's their place to comment on other people's life choices or circumstances like that. When are you getting married? When are you having a baby? When are you having another baby? It's infuriating that random people think they are entitled to the resolutions of this private conversations between a woman and her partner. I have no advice, because whatever I do when people say snotty things to me like "Wait til you're a parent!" is look at them and tell them I have a reproductive disorder and that I'm starting out with at least 50% infertility that grows by the year.
    Anyway, I'm so sorry for your struggles and hope that 2015 is much kinder to you and helps you find some peace and genuine happiness. Thinking of you.

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  4. I think sometimes words fall out of people's mouths before they think about it. It irritates the hell out of me when people demand to know why I'm not married or in a relationship or have kids at my age. You know...we can't control all things all the time, and people don't always find themselves in the situations they dreamed they'd be in. I think it hurts even more when it's a friend than when it's an ignorant stranger. The smug attitudes of people who think they have it all are so wrong. The bottom can fall out of your perfect little life. It's nobody's business why you have kids, don't have kids, are married, single, divorced, employed, unemployed...any of it. Compassion and sensitive thought are really lacking in the world today. Sorry for the rant, but the topic hits a nerve.

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  5. I don't have anything to say that Jennifer and Alyssa didn't already say. I agree with both women! Hang in there...you have the right attitude for making 2015 a better year!

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  6. Katie,
    I know that must be tough. I wish you well this year. I hope it is an awesome one for you in all ways.

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  7. I'm so sorry that 2014 was such a rough year for you! I think that learning that sometimes you do have to choose joy, and that it doesn't just come to you all the time, is such a tough lesson but it's so important! I hope you find peace in choosing joy this year!

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  8. Oh girl... I needed this... I need to make that my choice every day as well, because I, like you - can't handle another year like 2014... I'm going to just start posting JOY notes everywhere!!! :)

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  9. I was really thankful to read this, I know how hard it has been/is/will be for you - but I'm so proud of you for making this choice. Will keep praying! I'm always here for you, sweetness.

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    1. Thank you Lydia. I appreciate you more than you know. Love you much!

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  10. So sorry you are feeling like this. I know 2015 is going to bring you joy, you just need to find the things that will give you joy. I know if must be so hard. Just thank god for your health and your families health, there is something out there for you, I just know it. Hugs.

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    1. Thank you Sue, It's amazing the difference I feel when I choose to find joy, rather than just wallowing in depression. I have no doubt this will be an amazing year. xoxo

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  11. I am so sorry you are going through this... I really don't understand how people can be so clueless and hurtful sometimes. I understand younger people (like myself when I was young and stupid, I definitely said hurtful things I didn't know were hurtful) but as an adults should know better. I hope things work out for the both of you xx

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  12. Although our lives are different, I see so many similarities, I just totally understand you. If we lived near each other I think we'd be great friends!
    When your my age (35ish) and still single, lets just say it puts its own trials into your life. But I love that you are choosing joy! A few years ago, I basically hit near rock bottom, I was miserable and not happy.
    I quit a job that was pulling in more money than most could ever dream of, I took 2 years off traveling and running marathons to find myself and discover what I wanted. What I found was similar as what you just decided. I realized I wanted to be happy, I didn't want to go back to doing what I didn't love. I can't change the fact that I am single and the age I am, but I can change my attitude on it and life. I can put myself into a world that even though I don't have everything I want, I can at least have what I need to get me though and keep me happier.
    Wow, I can't believe I just shared that, I almost want to delete it because it is quite personal to me. But as someone who is also in the process of losing weight, and working everyday to create a happier, joyful life. I just wanted to let you know, though different circumstances, I completely and totally understand. I love this post, and I know you'll keep finding the different joys in life to keep your life happy and meaningful!

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  13. Choosing joy is such a hard, but priceless thing. Hugs to you!

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