Follow my journey from being overweight and addicted to ice cream, to running marathon's!

Monday, January 25, 2016

Ooops, I have a marathon to train for

I actually said those words last night.
I knew I had the Carmel Marathon coming up in April, but for some reason that seemed like months away. It just hit me that April is not that far away, and the marathon is exactly 12 weeks away!

Most training plans are 17-20 weeks long. Since this will be #7, and I'm not really a 'beginner', hopefully I'll be ok though. So training starts again this week. (I'll be starting with week 9)

Since my last marathon in November, my mileage has been pretty low.
44 miles in Dec., and only 19 so far for January. Pitiful, I know.
 Taking a break coincided perfectly with Winter. I hate running outside in the cold.
I use my treadmill a lot in the winter, but haven't been using it much at all lately.

I have still been strength training once a week with a trainer, and I also started back to weekly spin classes, which I LOVE.

As for Weight Watchers, I did not count one point last week. It was a very stressful week, and I just didn't have the energy to count points. In fact, I had a couple days where I said forget it, give me all the food, I don't even care!
Why can't I be one of those people who don't eat when they're stressed?

In other news, I put my name into the NYC marathon lotto. What a dream it would be to run that!

Today is a brand new week, and a brand new day. I'm going to get back on track, I'm going to start training for another marathon, and I'm going to keep looking forward with JOY.

Who else entered NYC?
Are you training for anything?


Wednesday, January 20, 2016

The results are in...

As I shared on Monday, yesterday I went for an HSG test, which looks into the uterus and fallopian tubes to check for any blockages. Women who experience infertility have this done to see if their tubes are blocked.

 I had mentally been preparing myself to hear the news that they were blocked. I knew that had to be the reason I tried to get pregnant for 2 years and it didn't happen. I was prepared to hear that, and felt like I was ready. I would be devastated, but I was ready for it.
 For the past month, anytime I would think about this upcoming test, I would start to cry. Just the thought that I would never be able to have a child was almost more than I could bear. Even as I sat on the bench, waiting for the doctor to come in, I was emotional. It wasn't that I wasn't being positive, I was just bracing myself for the truth.

The test was very quick and painless, it lasted about 5 minutes. Then the Dr. said "your tubes are nice and open, there are no blockages".

I almost came up off that table, y'all!! That was not what I was expecting to hear! For the first time in a month I took a deep breath. I can't put into words how happy I was.

My Mom was in the waiting room. As soon as I saw her I said "they're open!!" Knowing everyone around heard my good news, but I didn't care.

Now, I don't know what I'm going to do with this news, honestly. If I was with someone who wanted a pregnancy, my next step would be having hormone bloodwork done, where the eggs and ovaries are checked since I'm 'so old'. :)
 What gives me comfort is knowing my Mom was 46 when she had my brother, so there is hope for me!

Thank you all for your precious emails and messages. You don't know how much they helped me get through this.


Monday, January 18, 2016

My story: Journey through infertility

It has taken me forever to write this post. Because it's hard to do.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to only talk about my running, my attempts at weight loss, my favorite things, etc. That stuff is easy. But opening up, sharing a part of your soul, is scary! But here goes.

There is something that consumes every part of me. A desire, a dream, a longing. And that is to have a baby.
I've mentioned that occasionally here, but because of something coming up, I have decided to tell more of my story now.

When I got married 9 years ago, my husband did not want children. He already had 2 boys, and didn't want more. At the time I said that was fine, I love the boys and will raise them as my own.

Well, of course I changed my mind after a few months, but he did not. He did agree to 'try' for 2 years though. And if I didn't become pregnant, then it just wasn't meant to be.

So I tried for 2 years. I did everything right, the whole charting, temp taking, standing on my head afterwards (haha), everything I possibly could to conceive. I recorded those 2 years on video, which I am glad I did. But it was absolutely heart wrenching. Something no one can really understand unless you've been through it. It was hell. 
Jeremy was always sweet and sympathetic, but since that wasn't the desire of his heart, he was neither excited or disappointed, either way. It was a lonely journey.

After 2 years and it hadn't happened, Jeremy decided to get fixed, and said we could adopt instead. Again, I said that was fine. Just give me my baby, one way or another.

So, we went through the adoption journey for 2 years. (What's up with 2 years?)
We were going to adopt a baby girl from India. We had her name picked out, tons and tons of clothes for her, I was all ready for my beautiful Indian baby girl.
After waiting for her for 2 years, when our agency had originally told us the wait would be less than a year, they said it could be another 2 year wait. But now everything had expired, so we would have to pay a bunch of money all over again, which we couldn't afford to do.
That's where my adoption dream died.

Now it's been 5 years since all of that, and my desire for my baby has not waned at all, it's only grown stronger. But over the years Jeremy has become even more against it, and I do understand his reasoning. The boys are now 16 and 18, and he sure as heck doesn't want to start all over now. Perfectly understandable. But I cannot fathom going through life never having experienced being a Mother.

So, I say all that to say, a few weeks ago I was researching IVF, and came across an article that led me to believe that my tubes are most likely blocked. I was married for the first time at 21 for a few years, and I believe what I went through with my ex husband caused that. (I don't mind to share what happened in private, just not here.)

I have decided to get an HSG test tomorrow (Tuesday), which will determine if my tubes are blocked. I'll be able to watch on the screen while they're doing it, for immediate results.
 Why am I getting this test, when it's impossible for me to even get pregnant with Jeremy? I don't know. For closure, maybe. Peace of mind. At least I'll know.

I'm preparing myself to hear that they are blocked. I can't imagine any other reason I've never been able to get pregnant (even with my ex). I'm trying to imagine how I'll feel when he tells me that. When I hear that I will never be pregnant. Even though it can't compare, I''ll feel like it's a death sentence. I'll feel just as crushed as if the Dr said "you only have 6 months to live".
 Now, I know that's not true. I'm sure I'll go on to live a full, happy life. I'm also determined that I will have a baby someday. Even if I don't give birth. Is that even rational, given my situation? No. But that is the hope I have to hold onto.

Now what if they are open? What if the Dr says everything is working fine, there's no reason I can't get pregnant, but I better hurry because I'll be 39 this year.
What will I do then? I have no idea. I honestly don't know. Yes, I'll be relieved because I'll know I still have a chance. Again, rational? No.
 But this has been such a crazy, horrific journey that it's hard to think rationally anymore! And that is why I have the best counselor in the world. :)

My sweet Mom cancelled her hair appointment so she can come with me. Sometimes a girl just needs her momma, and this will definitely be one of those times.

There's so much I'm leaving out of this whole story, because...well, just because.
Maybe I'll write a book someday.

If you're a praying person, please pray that God will give me peace no matter the outcome. I do hope that someday I'll be able to help someone who is going through what I've been through. Somehow, someway. There has to be a reason for all of this.


Monday, January 11, 2016

Weight Watchers week #1 and some snow

Yesterday we got our first snow of the season. I was sad about it. It was also 19 degrees. and that just made me want to cry.
Let's talk about happy things!
Last week was my first week on Weight Watchers, and I lost 4 lbs. I am so excited!

They have changed their points system, making sugar and carbs higher in points. It seems to me like everything is higher in points though.
 For instance, I bought some WW ice cream bars. The box says 2 points each. I thought perfect, I can still have my ice cream! After eating one, I remembered that I better check the points with the new calculator, and saw that now they are 5 points each. Booo.

A Quaker oatmeal bowl, which seems very healthy, is now 9 points, where it used to be around 5.

So, that is taking some getting used to, for sure.

I had a one on one session with my personal trainer on Saturday. It was great working out with her alone.
She said she was really surprised how weak my upper body was, but to give her 5-6 weeks and I'll be strong.
She's going to write out some exercises and a schedule for me to do on my own, and then once a month I'll meet with the group, and do some new things. I will be working out with the group tonight though. Yay for more sore muscles!

I didn't run at all this weekend. Which feels really strange. My body is screaming for a long run, but my head is saying it's too cold. I need to just ignore it, and GO.

Has it snowed where you are yet?


Friday, January 8, 2016

That time I almost ate an octopus

Monday was my first day back to work after being off for 2 weeks. I was greeted by this cute face. When she saw me for the first time, her eyes lit up, she started smiling and kicking her little legs. I thought she may have forgotten about me, but she obviously didn't. Oh, my heart!
Ok, in my last post I told you how I was going to a personal trainer for the first time. Here's how that went down.
It was a group of 4 of us, meeting in her garage which is turned into an office/gym. She has an old style stairmaster, and an exercise bike. Then a contraption that looks similar to a Bowflex, as well as free weights.
 I have not done any kind of strength training since last February. I always said I was going to start again, but never did.
 Anyway, we worked out for an hour, a little bit of cardio, lunges, ab work, something on the Bowflex, and then overhead press with weights.
 For the overhead press she gave me 10 lb. weights and had me do 2 sets of 30. After 15, I could barely lift my arms. I'm weak, I know. So she switched them to 7.5 lbs. By the time I reached 60, she was literally standing over me, lifting my arms for me.

  Then she had me do push ups. Which was hilarious. I've never been able to do push ups, for some reason. Even the 'girly' ones. I'd rather do burpees than push ups.
I could barely do 5. I was so embarrassed.  She asked me why couldn't I go all the way down with my arms, why couldn't I bend them, what was I scared of. Again, she held me around the chest and told me to go all the way down and she would help me come back up. I fell flat. I'm sure the others in the group were trying not to laugh!

But I KILLED the leg workouts! I could do 60 lunges, no problem. Tons of leg extensions and crunches.

The day after my workout, I felt fine. But by day 2 my arms were dead. It has now been 4 days, and I still can hardly move my arms. I can't lift them to fix my hair, it's torture trying to pick up my kiddos, it's crazy. I've been sore many times, but never like this.

 I ended up calling the personal trainer later and setting up a time to work out with her one on one- which will be tomorrow. I'll feel much more comfortable that way.
 I have no doubt that I will get stronger, and someday I'll even do some one armed push ups! :)

On another note, Weight Watchers is going great so far! I'll weigh in next week.

Have you ever eaten something really crazy before? My stepson went squirrel hunting with his
uncle, and brought a poor squirrel home. Then he cooked it. In my house. In my kitchen. In my pan.
Then he made me take a bite.

I'll try anything once. A couple weeks ago I even tried Octopus. (Gag)
I did put a tiny bite in my mouth, but just as with the Octopus, I spit it out as fast as I could. I can't put into words how gross they.
 I'm sure a lot of it is the thought of it. I've always had a hard time eating animals. But a squirrel? An octopus? That's just too much.

What's the craziest thing you've eaten?

Burpees or push ups?


Monday, January 4, 2016

Renewing my goals and some deep dish yumminess

I know a lot of people have a goal of losing weight at the start of a new year. Well, I am one of them.
Of course that was my goal last year too. Over the year I lost and regained 10 lbs. I weighed exactly the same last January 1, as this January 1. Ugh.

 I will not let that discourage me from trying again though!
Today I started Weight Watchers. I did this about 15 years ago, and lost 30 lbs. I can say I have never again been at my highest weight.
 Then I did WW a couple years ago, and only made it about a week, and got tired of counting points, so I quit.

 But, I'm doing it again! I signed up for the online tracking. Last time I did this successfully, I attended meetings, so this will be a little different. This is it. I'm going to do this and lose 30 lbs.!!

I know on WW you can eat 'anything', but I don't plan on eating unhealthy. So, this was my last bad meal. A friend recently went to Chicago and brought me back a deep dish pizza from Lou Malnati's. I've never had Chicago pizza before, and it was even better than I imagined!
 I've gotten in 2 great runs since New Years day. A 5 and a 3 miler. The weather has been chilly, but gorgeous!

Starting tonite, and every Monday from now on, I'm going to be working out with a personal trainer, and a few other people, in her home gym. I hope she makes me throw up. ☺ (In other words, I hope that's how hard she pushes me!)

I'm starting the year off right, and this is the year that I will reach my goals!

Have you had a deep dish pizza from Chi?

What are your exercise goals for the year?


Friday, January 1, 2016

One last look back, and an ice cream face

Happy New Year!

I decided for the new year, I needed a new look. Not for me, but for my blog.
 I'd been thinking about it for awhile, and then as I was reading another blog, I loved the look of hers, so I contacted the girl who designed it, and she did mine!

 Ahhh, 2015 is over. I love the freshness of a new year. A new start.
I can say 2015 was a much better year than 2014. I feel like I was at peace all year.
 In 2014 I thought my life was over, my marriage was over, I had no reason to go on. I was hopeless, and had no joy. I thought I was strong, but found out I was incredibly weak.

 At the beginning of 2015 I made a conscious decision to have joy. I could not have another year like the previous one. I gave all my burdens, worries and cares to God, the only one who could get me through, and He did.

 I still don't have the answers, I still feel like my life is a huge unknown. I know most people my age have everything all planned out and they're settled. I'm not. But I'm learning to be ok with that, because He knows! It's a good thing I love adventure and spontaneity!

I leave you with this...because it's totally random, but way too cute not to share.
My hilarious nephew, Xavi. This was his face while eating ice cream. He sure takes after his Aunt KK!

What did you do for NYE?
 We just stayed in and watched some Walking Dead, and of course watched the ball drop. Fun times!

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