It has taken me forever to write this post. Because it's hard to do.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to only talk about my running, my attempts at weight loss, my favorite things, etc. That stuff is easy. But opening up, sharing a part of your soul, is scary! But here goes.
There is something that consumes every part of me. A desire, a dream, a longing. And that is to have a baby.
I've mentioned that occasionally here, but because of something coming up, I have decided to tell more of my story now.
When I got married 9 years ago, my husband did not want children. He already had 2 boys, and didn't want more. At the time I said that was fine, I love the boys and will raise them as my own.
Well, of course I changed my mind after a few months, but he did not. He did agree to 'try' for 2 years though. And if I didn't become pregnant, then it just wasn't meant to be.
So I tried for 2 years. I did everything right, the whole charting, temp taking, standing on my head afterwards (haha), everything I possibly could to conceive. I recorded those 2 years on video, which I am glad I did. But it was absolutely heart wrenching. Something no one can really understand unless you've been through it. It was hell.
Jeremy was always sweet and sympathetic, but since that wasn't the desire of his heart, he was neither excited or disappointed, either way. It was a lonely journey.
After 2 years and it hadn't happened, Jeremy decided to get fixed, and said we could adopt instead. Again, I said that was fine. Just give me my baby, one way or another.
So, we went through the adoption journey for 2 years. (What's up with 2 years?)
We were going to adopt a baby girl from India. We had her name picked out, tons and tons of clothes for her, I was all ready for my beautiful Indian baby girl.
After waiting for her for 2 years, when our agency had originally told us the wait would be less than a year, they said it could be another 2 year wait. But now everything had expired, so we would have to pay a bunch of money all over again, which we couldn't afford to do.
That's where my adoption dream died.
Now it's been 5 years since all of that, and my desire for my baby has not waned at all, it's only grown stronger. But over the years Jeremy has become even more against it, and I do understand his reasoning. The boys are now 16 and 18, and he sure as heck doesn't want to start all over now. Perfectly understandable. But I cannot fathom going through life never having experienced being a Mother.
So, I say all that to say, a few weeks ago I was researching IVF, and came across an article that led me to believe that my tubes are most likely blocked. I was married for the first time at 21 for a few years, and I believe what I went through with my ex husband caused that. (I don't mind to share what happened in private, just not here.)
I have decided to get an HSG test tomorrow (Tuesday), which will determine if my tubes are blocked. I'll be able to watch on the screen while they're doing it, for immediate results.
Why am I getting this test, when it's impossible for me to even get pregnant with Jeremy? I don't know. For closure, maybe. Peace of mind. At least I'll know.
I'm preparing myself to hear that they are blocked. I can't imagine any other reason I've never been able to get pregnant (even with my ex). I'm trying to imagine how I'll feel when he tells me that. When I hear that I will never be pregnant. Even though it can't compare, I''ll feel like it's a death sentence. I'll feel just as crushed as if the Dr said "you only have 6 months to live".
Now, I know that's not true. I'm sure I'll go on to live a full, happy life. I'm also determined that I will have a baby someday. Even if I don't give birth. Is that even rational, given my situation? No. But that is the hope I have to hold onto.
Now what if they are open? What if the Dr says everything is working fine, there's no reason I can't get pregnant, but I better hurry because I'll be 39 this year.
What will I do then? I have no idea. I honestly don't know. Yes, I'll be relieved because I'll know I still have a chance. Again, rational? No.
But this has been such a crazy, horrific journey that it's hard to think rationally anymore! And that is why I have the best counselor in the world. :)
My sweet Mom cancelled her hair appointment so she can come with me. Sometimes a girl just needs her momma, and this will definitely be one of those times.
There's so much I'm leaving out of this whole story, because...well, just because.
Maybe I'll write a book someday.
If you're a praying person, please pray that God will give me peace no matter the outcome. I do hope that someday I'll be able to help someone who is going through what I've been through. Somehow, someway. There has to be a reason for all of this.