Monday, January 18, 2016

My story: Journey through infertility

It has taken me forever to write this post. Because it's hard to do.
Sometimes I think it would be easier to only talk about my running, my attempts at weight loss, my favorite things, etc. That stuff is easy. But opening up, sharing a part of your soul, is scary! But here goes.

There is something that consumes every part of me. A desire, a dream, a longing. And that is to have a baby.
I've mentioned that occasionally here, but because of something coming up, I have decided to tell more of my story now.

When I got married 9 years ago, my husband did not want children. He already had 2 boys, and didn't want more. At the time I said that was fine, I love the boys and will raise them as my own.

Well, of course I changed my mind after a few months, but he did not. He did agree to 'try' for 2 years though. And if I didn't become pregnant, then it just wasn't meant to be.

So I tried for 2 years. I did everything right, the whole charting, temp taking, standing on my head afterwards (haha), everything I possibly could to conceive. I recorded those 2 years on video, which I am glad I did. But it was absolutely heart wrenching. Something no one can really understand unless you've been through it. It was hell. 
Jeremy was always sweet and sympathetic, but since that wasn't the desire of his heart, he was neither excited or disappointed, either way. It was a lonely journey.

After 2 years and it hadn't happened, Jeremy decided to get fixed, and said we could adopt instead. Again, I said that was fine. Just give me my baby, one way or another.

So, we went through the adoption journey for 2 years. (What's up with 2 years?)
We were going to adopt a baby girl from India. We had her name picked out, tons and tons of clothes for her, I was all ready for my beautiful Indian baby girl.
After waiting for her for 2 years, when our agency had originally told us the wait would be less than a year, they said it could be another 2 year wait. But now everything had expired, so we would have to pay a bunch of money all over again, which we couldn't afford to do.
That's where my adoption dream died.

Now it's been 5 years since all of that, and my desire for my baby has not waned at all, it's only grown stronger. But over the years Jeremy has become even more against it, and I do understand his reasoning. The boys are now 16 and 18, and he sure as heck doesn't want to start all over now. Perfectly understandable. But I cannot fathom going through life never having experienced being a Mother.

So, I say all that to say, a few weeks ago I was researching IVF, and came across an article that led me to believe that my tubes are most likely blocked. I was married for the first time at 21 for a few years, and I believe what I went through with my ex husband caused that. (I don't mind to share what happened in private, just not here.)

I have decided to get an HSG test tomorrow (Tuesday), which will determine if my tubes are blocked. I'll be able to watch on the screen while they're doing it, for immediate results.
 Why am I getting this test, when it's impossible for me to even get pregnant with Jeremy? I don't know. For closure, maybe. Peace of mind. At least I'll know.

I'm preparing myself to hear that they are blocked. I can't imagine any other reason I've never been able to get pregnant (even with my ex). I'm trying to imagine how I'll feel when he tells me that. When I hear that I will never be pregnant. Even though it can't compare, I''ll feel like it's a death sentence. I'll feel just as crushed as if the Dr said "you only have 6 months to live".
 Now, I know that's not true. I'm sure I'll go on to live a full, happy life. I'm also determined that I will have a baby someday. Even if I don't give birth. Is that even rational, given my situation? No. But that is the hope I have to hold onto.

Now what if they are open? What if the Dr says everything is working fine, there's no reason I can't get pregnant, but I better hurry because I'll be 39 this year.
What will I do then? I have no idea. I honestly don't know. Yes, I'll be relieved because I'll know I still have a chance. Again, rational? No.
 But this has been such a crazy, horrific journey that it's hard to think rationally anymore! And that is why I have the best counselor in the world. :)

My sweet Mom cancelled her hair appointment so she can come with me. Sometimes a girl just needs her momma, and this will definitely be one of those times.

There's so much I'm leaving out of this whole story, because...well, just because.
Maybe I'll write a book someday.

If you're a praying person, please pray that God will give me peace no matter the outcome. I do hope that someday I'll be able to help someone who is going through what I've been through. Somehow, someway. There has to be a reason for all of this.






19 comments:

  1. Thank you for bravely sharing your story!

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    1. Thank you Nikky, for your support and friendship.

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  2. Praying so much for you, Katie. I know it has been a hard and heartbreaking journey...praying for sweet peace for you.

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  3. Oh sweet friend. I will pray for you whole heartedly!!! I'm not sure what the best results will be, so I'll just pray for peace for you.
    You know I get it... the older Ricky's kids got, the more he dug his heels in about not wanting to 'go through it again'... its just so different for men. It really is. I'm glad you're taking steps for answers though. I'm always here if you need to chat or talk or vent. We can always get together & have dinner if you need as well... HUGS to you!!!

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  4. Thank you for being so brave and sharing your story. Praying for peace in your heart. <3

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  5. Oh - I will definitely be thinking of you today and praying for peace, regardless of what the outcome may be.

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  6. I hope that today brings you peace. Thank you for sharing your story, as I know it helps so many women going through the same thing.

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  7. I will definitely be sending prayers your way!
    Reading this just breaks my heart for you, I can't even imagine how draining this has been on you mentally and emotionally through the years, especially with everything you've tried and gone through.
    Everything will work out as it is supposed to, and I know you will find the peace of mind no matter what happens. You can count on being in my thoughts and prayers this week my friend!!!

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  8. Heart breaking! You would be an amazing Mumma (already are I am sure to your step sons). I hope everything goes really well and the right path comes to you easily. You are in my prayers xoxo

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    1. Thanks girl, that's so sweet of you to say. Xoxo

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  9. Katie, I am SO sorry you're going through this. I struggled with infertility as well - my tubes WERE blocked so IVF was our only option. It didn't work for us (we tried 3 times) and we opted not to adopt (I was your age when I made that decision). I really hope that everything works out for you. Infertility is never an easy thing to deal with, but by the sounds of your last blog post, there is hope so hang on to that!!! xo

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    1. Phaedra, thank you so much for sharing that with me. It helps me feel a little less alone. I'm sorry you had to go through that, you're right, it's not easy at all. Xoxo

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    2. I honestly wish more women would talk about this issue. It's so much more common that we're led to believe. I think if more women were open about it, less women would feel alone. I'm glad you shared your journey / thoughts, I'm sure there are many other women out there who will find some comfort in the fact that they aren't alone in their struggles. :)

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    3. I totally agree Phaedra. I guess that's why I decided to share what I'm going through. Maybe someone else going through the same thing, won't feel as alone. Would you mind to send me an email? mrscloni@gmail.com

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