You can go here to read part 1 of my infertility story.
And now here is part 2.
Last month I had the HSG test to determine if my tubes were open. Much to my surprise, they were. I was elated. That meant I still had a chance. I wasn't sure how it would happen, but at least I knew I could get pregnant.
There are three steps you go through before seeing a fertility specialist. First, you have the HSG test, then you have blood work done to check your hormones, eggs and ovaries, then your husband has a semen analysis (irrelevant in my situation).
For some reason, after passing the HSG, I just assumed everything was good to go.
But I was wrong. I got excited a little too early.
Yesterday I got the results of my blood test back. I have DOR, Diminished Ovary Reserve, and am unable to produce eggs, and have poor egg health.
After reading about this online for hours, it looks like my only option would be IVF, with donor eggs. Cost is $25-$50k. So that's definitely out of the question. If I was going to spend that much money, I would choose to adopt.
I've had a very hard couple days. Knowing I will never be pregnant, never have my 'own' baby, never having that experience, it's extremely hard to deal with.
Last week I met my mom and sisters for breakfast, and I brought along the 9 month old girl I babysit. The waitress was talking to her and playing with her. She told us how she always wanted kids, but wasn't able to have them. She's now probably late 60's. With tears in her eyes she said "people who have children don't know how blessed they really are".
Wow. That broke my heart for her.
It also made me determined that will never be me. Never ever.
At the moment it's hard to find joy, it's hard to smile, but I will get through this.
Psalms 121:1 says 'I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from.'
I could not get through this without God. He is my strength.
Also my running and spin classes really help. There's nothing better than working up a good sweat to take your mind off of life for awhile.
Until next time...