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Friday, February 26, 2016

Infertility journey Part 2

You can go here to read part 1 of my infertility story.

And now here is part 2.
Last month I had the HSG  test to determine if my tubes were open. Much to my surprise, they were. I was elated. That meant I still had a chance. I wasn't sure how it would happen, but at least I knew I could get pregnant.

There are three steps you go through before seeing a fertility specialist. First, you have the HSG test, then you have blood work done to check your hormones, eggs and ovaries, then your husband has a semen analysis (irrelevant in my situation).

For some reason, after passing the HSG, I just assumed everything was good to go.
But I was wrong. I got excited a little too early.

Yesterday I got the results of my blood test back. I have DOR, Diminished Ovary Reserve, and am unable to produce eggs, and have poor egg health.

After reading about this online for hours, it looks like my only option would be IVF, with donor eggs. Cost is $25-$50k. So that's definitely out of the question. If I was going to spend that much money, I would choose to adopt.

I've had a very hard couple days. Knowing I will never be pregnant, never have my 'own' baby, never having that experience, it's extremely hard to deal with.

Last week I met my mom and sisters for breakfast, and I brought along the 9 month old girl I babysit. The waitress was talking to her and playing with her. She told us how she always wanted kids, but wasn't able to have them. She's now probably late 60's. With tears in her eyes she said "people who have children don't know how blessed they really are".
Wow. That broke my heart for her.

It also made me determined that will never be me. Never ever.

At the moment it's hard to find joy, it's hard to smile, but I will get through this.

Psalms 121:1 says 'I lift my eyes up to the mountains, where does my help come from.'
I could not get through this without God. He is my strength.
 Also my running and spin classes really help. There's nothing better than working up a good sweat to take your mind off of life for awhile.

Until next time...



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14 comments

  1. I'm so sorry Katie, this news just broke my heart for you.
    I can't even begin to imagine how you are feeling.
    But I really like your attitude, God is a great strength! I don't know how I'd get through most of life without his guidance and help, he's always there for us!
    It may be hard to look at it right now, but I really do believe the saying when one door closes another one opens. Sometimes it takes a little time to find that next open door, and it may not be exactly what we think we need/want, but in the end it may turn into something incredible in itself. I hope that new door opening for you, is something you'll find great happiness in!!! Remember I'm thinking of you my friend!

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  2. Oh, Katie. This post breaks my heart for you. I realize how much you want to be a mother. But at least you have some answers now, and I think that's a positive thing! Once you have answers, you are able to start thinking about the next step. Between your strong will, your amazing family support, and your faith in God, I truly think you will find a way to obtain what you desire. And you know how to reach me if you ever need to chat.
    April in Georgia

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  3. Katie! My dear friend, I don't have words for consolation, but only believe that God has a plan for all of us! I truly believe in that, he has his ways- and reasons, we may not agree, but need to abide! I will pray for some peace and happiness for you.

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  4. Oh Katie what tough news to deal with! I so sorry for you. I know that you will find a way to fulfill your heart. As you said God has his own plans. Sending you love and strength. Xox

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  5. I'm so sorry for this news and it's difficult to see what God's ultimate plan is, especially when it doesn't seem to be going along with our own plans. Thinking of you and praying for peace ...

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  6. I am so sorry Katie. Thinking of you.

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  7. Oh my gosh friend. I just want to cry for you, with you. I am so sorry on your news. I know how much you had your heart set on birthing your own child. We have to try & remember that God has a plan. Even when its hard & it hurts....
    I'm reading a book right now (What Alice forgot) & the sister in it is infertile & her story is half of this book - it hits me so much sometimes. But there was a point where an 'adopted grandmother' also writes her story & she talks about how she never had children either, but she talks about how lucky the woman is to be a wife but she's focused on the 'mother' side. That hit me so much. Some people never find the love of a spouse - or get the blessing of being a step parent. While its not the way life would be, maybe we need to look at the blessings we do have. ... & I know its hard right now when news is fresh. Praying for your heart to be healed in this season. & that God will bring you peace & reveal to you the path He wants for you to go down with a boldness in seeing THIS is the plan for your life. ... hugging you!!!

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